WHAT THE FUCK?!?

Apologies for slipping into the vernacular but I’m rather annoyed. The time is 01:00am and I have just returned from driving around town in a police car. The story begins like this…

I left work at the usual hour and on the way home stopped off at the woods for a ride. After this I went sraight to the pub to meet some friends and play with a great big puppet. Ace. Then home for a shower and change. Next on the agenda was meeting Big Dave in the weavers after which we proceeded to Nicals. A lovely pub run by lovely people. Here things went a little pear shaped. I was supposed to be trekking up to the Eclipse after this to meet some of the previous friends. Unfortunatly a young lady I know was assaulted in the toilet of the pub and so, after the bar staff rapidly ejected the offender, I stayed to help her out.

After the perp(s) had all left I got her safely on her bike and she was away home.In the meantime a group (roughly ten of) of 15 year olds, or thereabouts, were making some noise outside. As I am wont to do I ignored this. Unfortunatly, after I chased my lady friend down the road on her scooter these chavvy little cunts followed me. Between nicals and my destination one of them pushed me from behind. To which my response was, roughly, ‘What the fuck?’. Then he threw a slow, tedious punch which failed to connect by roughly 3 feet. I laughed a little and said, again, ‘What the fuck are you doing?’ By which point a lot more of the wee bastards had come up from the direction of the town. (bear in mind I wa running after a young lady on a moped before this!)

In grabbing me from behind I lost my much loved Vans jacket to one of the wee shites whilst the others threw punches at my face. It was my luck that 1) I was right outside the police station which made for a hasty escape and 2) they punch like 15 year olds, which is fair enough as they are 15 year olds.

Now I am not a pussy but there is no way I could have won a brawl with that many of them. I have no bleeding wounds and no bruises yet (mostly due to their girly, ineffectual punches) but I expect they would have got me to the floor through weight of numbers and that would have been, to again use the vernacular, Shit. In the first degree. I am not physically hurt but I am pissed off. Where the fuck are there parents? What are they doing out at 11:30 in town? And, since making a positive ID in the police car, what will happen to them now? An ASBO? Oh no. The little shits need a fucking kicking and hopefully one day they will get it.

Mostly I am ashamed that I failed to make any of them bleed, but honestly, I was so shocked. Why would anyone want to do anything like this for fun? They waited until I was alone and jumped me for no reason except their own amusement. Hopefully they will live short, unfulfilling lives. GOOD GOD I’M PISSED OFF!

As an aside, the police were very helpful and amusing. They cheered me up immensely after this infuriating ordeal. Props. Also if anyone knows any names… Give it to me baby, uh huh, uh huh.